© 2018 Dr Margaret Sheppard
Traditionally marriages were arranged between families by the elders of the families. There were certain preferred marriages and many Tswana proverbs show this. One example of such a preferred marriage was to a motswala (roughly equivalent to cousin), that is for a man to marry the daughter of his Malome (Maternal uncle) or of his Rakgadi (Paternal aunt), or with those first cousins that are referred to as kgaitsadi (sister) i.e. the daughter of his father's brothers. This is because it was believed that marriages with cousins were those that were most likely to succeed, as according to the Tswana proverb; "Side by side with his cousin, a man is always happy.” Or another proverb refers to keeping the cattle in the kraal: "Child of my paternal uncle marry me, so that the cattle may return to our kraal." (It should be noted that brothers and their male descendants share the same cattle kraal and live in the same Kgotla in Kanye, and they often also share the same Cattle post.)
The other type of traditionally preferred marriage is between families who are old friends or neighbours. A family always preferred to marry its child to a family with a reputation for positive attributes such as hard work, generosity, and of course no smear of sorcery. Beauty was not believed to be so important. Although it is not so common nowadays for parents to choose marriage partners for their children it is surprisingly more common than one would think. Relatives, especially parents, still have very strong influence over their children’s marriages. For example it is by no means unknown for a girl to be betrothed to a boy when she is still in her early teens. The boy, who is probably a few years older, will then "work for her", for example, he will pay for her education and make her presents of clothes, blankets and household goods, and generally support her and any children. She will only go to live at his home with her in-
Men, especially those working in the mines, may still ask their relatives to find suitable wives for them. They will perhaps send their photograph and then the relatives may decide on a suitable family. They will then go to that family and ask if there are any daughters. If there are, the mother of that family will then call her daughter and ask her if she would like to be married. The girl may only at this stage be shown the prospective husband's photograph, or if he is available in Kanye, a meeting will be arranged. Sometimes, if there is more than one daughter, each of the suitable ones (usually starting with the oldest unmarried one) will be called in turn to find one who agrees.
It should be noted that it is most unusual for a girl to be forced against her will to become engaged, and during the part of the marriage where the marriage is registered at the Chief's Kgotla they are both asked if they have agreed to the marriage. Problems usually arise later when one party wishes to break off the engagement. Examples of such cases are given later. However many young people do meet and choose their own marriage partner, though the marriage is still subject to parental approval.
Once a boy has proposed to a girl he will ask her if he may send his parents to arrange the engagement formally with her parents. The boy's parents then visit the girl's to make the formal proposal. If both sides agree, a traditional doctor is consulted, who will then cast his bones to “see" if there are any problems on either side that might prevent the marriage taking place. During his examination he will discover if either party has already promised to marry anyone else, or if either have children with another partner (here he would be looking especially to see if the boy has children with another girl that are as yet unpaid for). (If a girl is made pregnant, the boy is usually charged 6 cattle to support the child, plus another cow if he did not support her, when she was a Motsetsi with food and clothes.)
The traditional doctor can also “see” if these children born "out of wedlock" could be a cause of possible future sorcery from the other parent or their parents. For example if the prospective fiance has had children with another girl, even if he has paid damages to the girl's parents and supported the children, they may still try to bewitch this new wife (if they dabble in sorcery) through jealousy that he is going to marry another girl and not their daughter. This type of sorcery could take the form of the new fiancee becoming barren, sick, lazy, confused or even dying. If the traditional doctor was to “see” any of these sorts of future problems he would then need to give the couple special protections against those sort of problems. This kind of sorcery is probably fairly common as will be illustrated by the examples cited below.
If the traditional doctor finds nothing wrong, or “sees” that possible problems may be overcome, for example, by paying off damages or being given further protections, the engagement is then formally accepted by both families. The traditional engagement presents to the girl will be made. Formerly these consisted of skin clothing, beads and other ornaments. Nowadays they consist of blankets, clothes and maybe some money. These will be presented to the girl on behalf of the boy by his father or other senior male relatives in the presence of her parents and relatives. All his subsequent presents should be presented in this way with witnesses from both families, as, if the engagement is later broken off by the girl or her family or her parents, her family can be held responsible for returning all these gifts or their equivalent value.
After both families have agreed on the engagement, the boy will be free to sleep with his fiance at her home. It is not considered correct for a girl to sleep at the boy's home unless invited by his parents. During the period of engagement he is expected to support her with gifts of food and clothes, and pay for her education if she is still at school. If any children are born, he must also support them. He is expected to make gifts to her parents and younger brothers and sisters and also to help her family with jobs that require extra manpower from time to time, such as collecting firewood (especially when the family oxen are harnessed and an ox cart is taken, as this requires a lot of manpower, oxen not being the most co-
Engagements may be quite long lasting several years, 3 or 4 children may have been born to the couple before the marriage is completed and she goes to live with her in-
In Kanye, it still seems to be common for younger brothers to wait until older brothers marry before doing so themselves. Also in Kanye the Chief usually insists on Bogadi (bridewealth) being paid before allowing the marriage to be registered. Before a man marries he should prepare and equip a house for his wife and, as will be seen later, purchase the wedding clothes and food. Nowadays most people like to build a house of cement bricks with cement plaster and a zinc roof, but the traditional mud and cattle-
The first couple to sleep in the house together must be the couple who will eventually live there. Even if they will not finish their marriage for several years the fiance will be invited by the man's parents to come and visit so that the house may be “tasted". This is usually done secretly to avoid jealous people trying to bewitch the couple. There is no public ceremony, but the couple are doctored. The traditional doctor who was responsible for "putting the house" when it was first built will again cast his bones to see if the house has "been spoilt" through anyone else sleeping with a member of the opposite sex first. The traditional doctor either casts his bones in the house itself, or some of the dust from the house will be taken to him. This is done in the presence of the girl's and the boy's parents as well as the couple themselves. The girl's parents will bring their traditional doctor with them, and he will also cast his bones.
If the traditional doctors find that the house has already been "tasted" even by the fiance and another woman, it is believed that terrible misfortunes and even death can befall the owners. If the house is found to have been "spoilt", for example by the boy's sisters, it must be cleansed by a traditional doctor. This cleansing is very expensive, sometimes as much as 2 cattle. Even then when it has been cleansed many men prefer to abandon the house completely and rebuild elsewhere, especially if a sister has spoilt it. This is probably sensible as there will probably indeed be future great discord in the family if a man's sister can deliberately break such a strong taboo.
In 1978 such a "spoilt" house was for sale in Kanye -